Stop Dreaming about it and Do It!

Honesty is the best policy. I have been raised believing that and knowing that. However, blatant honesty can be down right scary. Its like staring at the mirror. You see your reflection looking back at you. Yes you know that is you but its so hard to look at times. That is you. Who are you? Who is the face staring at you? Its the person your parents dreamed would one day make them proud. Its the person that they dreamed would find their place in this world. Its the face that people see everyday from stranger to best friend, neighbor to family member. But yes honesty is a major value in life. Its a strong moral. Its very important to be honest. What is the different between truth and honesty then? I mean honesty I believe is the act of being true.

I learned in a recent meeting with a new therapist whom I met for the first time, that honesty would not be so hard if I were honest with yourself. I mean, I have some real honest feelings hidden underneath the layers of the cells that make up the very essence of me. The honest truth about my dreams. The honest truth about my disappointments. The one that hurts the most is the the truth about my underlying jealousy. I understand what my therapist was saying. I have heard those words before. I heard as a number one value from my mother the importance of honesty and truth. I learned from other adult role models such as teachers and church members the same thing. What am I holding back? It is not so much that I am not honest when i speak out loud. But I do remember a time when truth was so scary.

Sometimes reality is more than what I can handle. But I also no so many people battle with the same inner issues. I am not talking about lying here either. I mean lying is the act of covering up the truth but saying it directly out loud and hoping expecting the person or people you tell it to believe you as if it was the truth. That is not the websters dictionary definition either. I do think that truth is important and you need that in intimate relationships. You need to trust your partners your friends, and your family members. You also need to be trusted as well. You cannot however control the words you don't say or other don't tell. You cannot force people to come clean with their real fears and doubts. Otherwise their would be a lot less alcoholics, agoraphobics, and even depressed individuals in the world. I feel that those habits are developed to cover the underlying truth we are not yet ready to face or to allow other people say. So blatant honesty hurts, its is cold it feels like a million nails in your back. It sufficating at times. Not to mention when it comes from the mouth of someone who is skilled in psyches of the mind but has never met you before. So regardless if I suffer from anxiety, depression or other human like feeling that people around me who know me closely already no and even accept. Their is a huge truth that has not come out yet. Its one word and that is Jealousy. I took it to the level of imprisoning my dreams. I am not talking about my family dreams. That is the one dream I knew I would get and did. Not that building a family is not hard enough. But, it was not as hard as chasing a hidden dream like moving, leaving my home town, trying out the international choir competitions, going pursuing my singing passions, or going to college but actually experience college. It all comes down to choices. I chose the road i am on. I chose to follow my heart desire for family and connection. I am blessed with the husband and children I have. The real honest truth is that I might have missed out on any chance on chasing down the dream of true success and I am jealous of my sister. She is brave, she follows her heart, she is true to herself, she is organizes, she is extremely successful in her career as Assistant Principal in Brooklyn New York. She now even knows how to evaluate my school age children to help me know what to do for them in school. I find it hard to separate how to communicate with her with out the underlying jealousy feelings coming to surface. I didn't even pursue school to become a child psychology because of how hard high school was people often tried to scare me away from it because of how many years of school it would take to get there. I found my career in early childhood. I absolutely love it so much but its not a career that allows me to be successful alone with out the co support of my husband career. I love my husband. He is so amazing in many ways. I actually got my Bachelors Degree in Community Services to allow me to find more job opportunities and to help me get Bachelor Degree faster. Its not a teaching certificate. But I scared myself out of getting teaching certificate because again fear of "no jobs". The bottom line is I inherited my mothers worry trait. Its so bad that it has come close to debilitating me. But I have not given up on my dreams. I am not giving up on my goals. I owe it to my children and now i want to see them follow their dreams without fear.

After 15 minutes of me saying a few things about myself in that new therapists office, the two sentences the therapist said back was "stop dreaming about it and do it", and "you are jealous of your sister. I felt a bit ashamed when she said that. But she said jealousy is not something you intend to feel. Everyone has some sort of jealousy in their life. In order for me to achieve me dream I need to admit my underlying truth, DE-clutter the way i think, and then follow my dream in goal like formatted. There is not actual order life has to be done. My next blog will be the in works process of my bucket list. Nobody can talk you out of reaching your goals on your bucket list. Least of all me.